As a little girl, I believed that my mom was my best friend, the one person I could lean on, the one person who understands me, and the one person who would stay by my side no matter what.
But as I grow older, these feelings change. With each day passing by, I feel further distant from her. I know “It’s just a phase. You’re a teenager, this is supposed to happen”
But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
With constant coldness & harsh words for even the littlest things that I do wrong, I feel so sad. I’m afraid to talk to her, or even be myself when she’s around, afraid she’ll judge me.
The worst part in all of this is that, if it were a friend, it wouldn’t matter. For me, family is world. So having my own mother so disappointed in me feels like having knives pass through my heart.
To get things clear - no, I don’t do drugs, or smoke, or even drink. Nor do I go off partying each time I have a chance. I don’t even swear or back answer my mom, ever.
But the things that are wrong with me are that I’m so lazy, so useless. I spend more time on the internet wasting than I should. My grades are below average and I don’t know where I’m going with my life, I don’t know if I even have any talents. I know I’m not the ideal child each mom wants, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not wise enough. But still, I just wished she loved me, just a little, for who I am.
As I go further with writing this, I realise, that its not only my mom, I’m disappointed in me too. How can I expect someone else to love me when I can’t love myself? I mean, she has every right to be upset with me. I’ve not done anything great, not achieved anything. I’m good for nothing.
This passage, rant, or whatever I’m writing, was supposed to be about something very different than what it turned out to be, but that the thing about me; everything that I’m upset about, or everything that goes wrong, relates (somehow or the other) to my self disappointment and how I’m such a failure in life. My mom must feel truly disgusted with the sort of thing she’s given birth to. No wonder the harsh behaviour. Sorry Mumma…